#4. Menace from Outer Space - 1956

Just how many pseudo-scientific terms can you fit into a movie? The answer: shit loads!

Returning to space now, we once again find the Earth in trouble. This time from Jupiter's moon, Fornax.

After a second glance through his telescope, Professor Newton realizes that what he's been looking at is not a comet, but a missile heading towards his observatory - what looks to be the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles.

It's decided that, once the fragments of the missile are collected from the crater, and the material's worth deemed highly beneficial to Earth's economic and technological sectors, a mission to the missiles origin is to be exacted. The source of the missile was discovered by waving a hand over a star chart, demonstrating the trajectory, and backtracking.


You can't send just anyone out into space for this type of mission. You need the Earth equivalent of Zaphod Bebblebrox. Enter Rocky Jones: Space Ranger. Called in to spearhead the mission to Fornax, and find out just why the Earth was being shot at.

Rocky, and his co-pilot Winky, would look more at home as gas station grease monkeys from the 1950's, than spaceship pilots of the future.


As for the ship's interior, it may well have been designed at the same time as a cold war submarine - apart from the exterior which had a more classic 'missile with wings' shape.


With the spaceship ready to launch - by switching on the 'blast-off synchronizer' - the crew were ready to set off. The mission's party consisted of Rocky and Bullwink... I mean, Winky, the professor, a young woman called Vena and a boy called Bobby - he provided many of the "Gee whiz" comments.

Knowing that Fornax was likely to contain the answer to creating cheap affordable energy, interstellar commerce was on the agenda - mainly trading metals to the locals, as all they seem to have was power-rich crystals. Earth wasn't the only planet to cotton on to this piece of fried gold. A planet run by a member of the British Monarchy sends out Griff, an ex-Space Ranger, to beat Rocky to the prize.


The ensuing space battle puts Rocky and the crew of the XV2 in a bit of a pickle. They'd calculated to the drop, how much fuel they'd need to get to Fornax and back. However, the extra flying about avoiding Griff's missile attack, emptied the tank a bit more than they'd have liked.


Luckily, Fornax's atmosphere was breathable - it was likened to a May day in Connecticut by the professor. During the formalities of meeting the elected ruler of Fornax - Zoravac - and various others, an ex-earther, known by the professor wanders out claiming that he was a changed man - Professor Cardos disappeared from academia some time ago under suspicious circumstances. He'd been on Fornax with his own secret and evil agenda.

"Mwwooohaaahaaahaaaaaaa..."

Cardos had tricked the Fornax locals into thinking the Earth was a bad place that would eventually conquer and enslave them, and that a pre-emtive strike was necessary. Hence the missile hitting Earth.

In an attempt to establish relations between the two worlds, Rocky invites Zoravac to Earth for a bit of a look around. Leaving the Professor, Vena and Bobby, they dash back to visit the Secretary of Space - Drake - on Earth. Meanwhile...

Recovered from his earlier defeat, Griff and his goon squad sneak down onto the surface of Fornax while Rocky is playing tour guide on Earth. Holding the locals at gun point, they load up on bags of crystals to take home. With Bobby imprisoned for nosing around a bit too much, it's up to his new girlfriend, Volaca, a Fornax local, to bring Rocky up to date before they return.

Since the arrival of Rocky and his crew and his brief visit to Earth, Zoravac begins to doubt Cardos' ideas about these "evil" Earthlings. Being told by Bobby that we aren't all that bad, basically seals it for him he decides that, yes indeed, Cardos was full of shit.

Enter a strange scene of people fighting which contains a man, as yet unseen in the film and not seen after.

Safely back from Earth, and Cardos' motives revealed, the balance of power shifts and Zoravac gets his planet back.


The film was made up from various episodes of, "Rocky Jones: Space Ranger" that aired for only two seasons. One episode seems to be among the 100 I'm reviewing. Please don't make me watch it again!

Gadgetry: Ooh, so many to choose from! The Astro-phone, Visiograph, the Mechanical Canary made from a Dalek's eye stalk, the orbit jet, the blast-off synchronizer and yes, there's rayguns in it!


Favorite quote/s: Ooh, so many to choose from! The contenders are:

"Go tell the crew the blast-off was super stellar!" - Rocky Jones.

"Well rattle my rocket reflexes." - Winky's remark as they approach Fornax for the first time.

"Sparkl'n stardust skipper, I never thought we'd make it" - Winky again moments after touchdown on Fornax.

"Roaring rocket! Lets go out and have a real sniff!" - Bobby unleashing his enthusiasm for finally being able to see Fornax first hand.

Perhaps the winner should be young Bobby's scientific piece of techno-babble regarding the ship's readiness for the flight home:

"The mass of the rocket itself is, N-point-8. Mass of payload, N-point-5, and mass of necessary fuel load only N-point-2. That gives us a blast-off mass of N-point-15, which balances against the equation of exhaust velocity. And we thus have an ideal mass ratio of 2-point-72-point-1."

This was streamlined by Winky, who summed up Bobby's account with the sentence, "Well sir, eer, I'd say that she's gonna work alright."

Favorite bit: The remarkably short time it takes to get from the Earth and one of Jupiter's moons and the pretty good special effects - for the time. Unlike Jean-Luc Picard, updating the captain's log was done manually with pen and paper.

Bottom line: Although somewhat childish in it's script, it's not so much a 'menace' from outer space, but more of a 'slight annoyance', from outer space. Darting back and forth between the earth and having to deal with a few Earth-haters, was more of an inconvenience to Rocky and his gang than a life threatening nightmare. A great one for the kids though, as I think is it's intent.

#3. The Atomic Brain - 1964

If I were to say to you, "What's the first thing that springs to mind when I say the words, Atomic...Brain?", what would it be?

Movie titles can be deceiving. No, it isn't about a giant brain in a jar with eyes and legs trying to take over small villages. Mrs March, an elderly lady who has misplaced her scruples, wants what we've all dreamed about at one point or another. Eternal life... of sorts.


With an endless stockpile of cash, Mrs March has employed the services of Doctor Frank. A scientific outcast, pioneering the atomic procedures necessary to transplant brains between victims... I mean, patients.

These experiments, carried out on the freshly deceased, are grave-robbed by the doctor and Hans. Hans is one of Dr. Frank's failed attempts at brain transfer, and sports wolfman-like side burns and a horrendously fanged underbite. He spends most of his time outside, as his table manners are something to be desired. His other failure is a young zombified girl that he lets roam around the lab in a sheet.


Now, the problem with swapping out the brain of a cat with a cadaver's, is that the damage is to great by the time you get them into the Cyclotron. The Cyclotron is the key piece of equipment that re-animates the newly brained host. You need a radiation suit to enter the machine, but you can take your helmet off on the way out.


So, to continue his work, and to keep Mrs March's patience appeased and money flowing, they decide to test out the basement's lab equipment on the living. In this case, one of three young girls. If successful, Mrs March can start again in a fresh body. Hopefully before her current one keels over.

Replying to a 'Housemaid wanted' ad, three young women in their early 20's from different parts of the world, find themselves being picked up at the airport by Victor - Mrs March's puppet, that can't wait to get his hands on one of the, soon to be re-brained, girls. Victor is a bit of a sad case. Strung along by Mrs March and promised the wealth of her fortune, but ultimately treated like a doormat, Victor is essentially a slave to her will.

Victor

With the girls safely within the walls of the March Mansion and the phones unplugged, the old bat begins to choose which body she'd like to end up in. Her options are, Anita from Mexico, Nina from Vienna or Beatrice, the tall buxom blond with the worst English accent in the universe. Guess which one she chooses.


After an examination of each one by the Doctor, supervised by a slightly pervy Victor, the lucky winner is discovered. As a result, Beatrice's list of chores is reduced to zero, and she is given a nice bedroom to kick off her shoes in. She is told later by Mrs March not to run up and down the stairs, as it will produce ugly leg muscles. As for the other two, Anita gets a bed in the basement, and Nina gets a small room elsewhere in the house. Suspicious that something isn't quite right, the girls offer their resignation almost immediately.

Before the March-Beatrice brain swap, Dr. Frank tests his apparatus out on Anita - caught snooping about the mansion - and the house cat. He succeeds. Anita spends the rest of the movie hissing and hunting mice before scratching out one of Beatrice's eyes, and falling off the roof to her death.

To the horror of Mrs March, Beatrice's disfigured face and missing eyeball - now kept alive by one of Dr. Frank's other machines - is no longer acceptable, and Nina is bumped up to first place.

Mrs March's plan was this. Leave the sizable fortune to Nina, jump into her body and claim the inheritance back. Not a bad idea really.

Finally realising that he was being lead on for so long, and would be abandoned once the brain transfer had taken place, Victor decides to help the remaining girls escape. He pays for it by getting a size 20 knitting needle in the back at the hands of Mrs March.


At this point, Dr. Frank seems to be questioning the morality of his and the old lady's work. With Nina and Mrs March prepped on gurneys, and Beatrice imobilised, he begins to have a change of heart. Although, he does say that in order to keep his grant money for research coming, he'll have to think of a way of keeping the newly bodied Mrs March around.

In struggling to remain on the moral high-ground, he puts Mrs March's brain into the cat - which would have been holding Anita's brain, but this was overlooked - and spares Nina.

Not happy with her feline situation, Mrs March traps Dr. Frank in the Cyclotron with a wave of her paws over the door latch, and presses the self destruct button. In a shower of sparks, the doctor is reduced to a skeleton, which gives Nina her chance to escape. Beatrice is accidentally electrocuted and killed in the commotion.


Free and running scared through the grounds, Nina looks back toward the burning mansion, while the narrator explains that the cat-bodied Mrs March will continue to hunt and follow Nina where ever she goes to retrieve her wealth.

Interestingly, the IMDB entry for this film lists it as being called, "Monstrosity", which is much more fitting. It's goes on to say in the 'trivia' section, that it was shot in ten days.

Gadgetry: "The Cyclotron" that provides the mind melding atomic fission required to swap the brain of a cat, with that of a house maid. The Doc also has a perspex box that can keep human tissue - or Beatrice's eyeball - alive by way of "electric vibrations."

Favorite quote: "I to, fight to preserve life..." Dr. Frank, the most believable character. His diatribe of justification is brilliant.

Inversely, the prize for worse line goes to the narrator:
"Victor wondered which one Mrs March would pick. The little Mexican, the girl from Vienna, or the buxom blond? Victor knew his pick, but he still felt uneasy, making love to an 80 year old woman in the body of a 20 year old girl..."

Favorite bit: It's only 64 minutes. Plus there's a few nice classic cars on the highway on the drive back from the airport.

Bottom line: Apart from the title getting my hopes up. The film doesn't break much new ground in the way of mad science. It's not terrible, but the endless narration at the start is.

#2. The Beast of the Yellow Night - 1971

You'd be forgiven if, after the first 15 minutes or so, you were somewhat confused by what you were looking at.

The story centers around the trials of Joseph Langdon. A US military deserter and taddle-tale, he is rescued from certain death by a fat man in his underpants surrounded by yellow vapor. Initially, I assumed he was 'the beast' from the title. Turned out he was the devil, and was there to restore Langdon to good health in exchange for his earthly soul.

There was a catch however. As unclear as it was at the beginning, he was given the task to recruit others for evil. That wasn't all he was in for. He also, for no real apparent reason, has to suffer painful transformations into something resembling Medusa's brother, hell-bent on ending his own existence, while feeding on a few unfortunate locals.

After the initial rescue, and a few odd scenes later involving a funeral, and the re-appearance of the fat devil, you find yourself in a hospital with Julia Rogers. She is about to be given the news that her husband - Philip Rogers - didn't pull through a severely disfiguring accident.

This is where things get interesting, and a little bit clever. A little bit.

Philip Rogers, is, in fact, Joseph Langdon! And he's not dead at all! Much to the surprise of everyone, including the doctor who pronounced him; he has a fatal heart-attack.

You see, the opening scene was set 35 years ago. After rescuing Langdon, the fat devil set him up similar to the way Connor MacLeod is in Highlander. Same guy, different name and identity. This earth-shattering revelation is made by the US arm of the local authorities after they recognized him as the deserter they thought had perished years earlier.

Langdon himself is a troubled soul now that, by night, and - as it was made apparent - being riled up by his wife in the bedroom, changes him into a hideous monster. It's a terrible way to be, especially when you look like Elvis.

Now a killer, on the run and impervious to bullets - bar one, which we'll get to - Langdon finds shelter with a blind, non-judgemental man who attempts to sneak him out of town. This is where things go bad for both of them.

Read no further if you want the ending ruined.

Cornered at a military road block, the boys find themselves fleeing into the nearby field, and set upon by flame-thrower toting police. In an attempt to find some sort of resolve, Langdon surrenders them both. Arms raised and heading towards the cops, the old man decides to make a break for it, and legs it back in to the now burning field. Something he regrets about a second after being gunned down.

Angered, Langdon makes his fourth and final transformation and terminates many of his would-be captors. In a sudden change of heart after seeing the old man dying, he gives up running and allows himself to be shot in the chest at pointblank by the police chief. This finishes him off, and you get a rather cleverly executed transition sequence of the beast returning back to Langdon.

Where the 'Yellow Night' part comes in to it, I am still at a loss. It could be due to, each time the fat devil vanishes, he does so in a plume of sulfurous yellow smoke.

Gadgetry: None to speak of. Ok, so there isn't always a raygun present.

Favorite quote: "You two-faced old bastard!" Said by Langdon stating that the blind man was hanging on to a dream that he couldn't fulfill.

Favorite bit: The above-mentioned old bastard. Though blind, he knew, know what I mean? He and Langdon had the only developed back story and his sounded interesting. A bandit of sorts in his pre-blind days, he seemed to be somewhat of a legend among his previous cohorts. Also, you get a flash of Langon's wife's 1970's boobies.

Bottom line: Awful.

#1. Attack from Space - 1964

Ziggy Stardust was right. There really is a starman waiting in the sky.

Before all the air was sucked out of the galaxy, there was indeed some sort of breathable atmosphere up there beyond the clouds. You still needed a silver donut or winged phallus to fly about the place in, but it must have been really something to be able to swing open a window and let the evening breezes of space waft in.

Part Superman, part saloon bar shoot-em-up, where the bad guys are Westerners, the good guys are from the East, and the bad alien guys wear SS uniforms, and have recently relieved Captain Stubing of all his, "I'm the Captain" hats.

Originally a TV series, the Earth becomes the target of nuclear destruction by the Superion race. Earth's only hope of survival is Starman, a tights wearing superhero with a body of steel; which is then insulated by a layer of fat, then rammed into tights. It was decided, by way of much arm waving by the High Council of the Emerald Planet, that Starman should be sent in to sort things out.

Starman: He'd like to come and meet us, but I'm not sure he'd blow our minds.

Meanwhile, a scientist and his daughter are kidnapped and put into the "Thought Irradicator" to make them into Superion slaves - "for all time" according to the script, but in reality, the machine has an effective use of about 20 minutes - and to design and build weapons to destroy the Earth with.

Without giving to much away, their plans are foiled by the daughter and her two friends running interference, and Starman waving his arms about and disabling a seemingly endless supply of space goons with his bingo-wings.

With English dubbed voices, a replacement soundtrack, and regular narration to fast explain various chains of events, the whole thing runs like a radio play, and could easily be experienced without the picture. Although, you would miss out on the not-completely-shabby fight choreography - especially during the final showdown.

The film uses a lot of reverse film to illustrate Starman's abilities. Jumping from the floor up to a ledge, for example, or kicking a baddie up a flight of stairs. There's also loads of flying sequences showing Starman, hurtling through space on his way to kick alien butts, while dangling from a cable around his waist and his suit giving him a terrific wedgie.


Gadgetry: Apart from the "Thought Irradicator" (left), there's the "Globe Meter" (right). Worn on the wrist like a watch, it can not only tell the time, but allow you to speak and understand any Earth language, fly through space and detect radiation. It's no wonder that its referred to as, "The most ingenious mechanism the universe has ever seen."


There's also mention of a Death Star, but as it turns out, is actually a firey asteroid used to try and melt Starman's lard-insulated steel body.

Favorite quote: "Creatures listening on Earth..." The opening line spoken by the Superion leader, while informing Earth of it's impending battering.

Favorite bit: Hmmm, a tough one to answer. Starman is pretty cool, but I think it would have to be the part where the scientist's daughter and her friend club a guard, drag him to the edge of the spaceship - all done out on the hull - and dump him over the side.

Bottom line: Quite liked it. It's has some laugh out loud moments and screams of minimal budget, but the straight-forward script, the cutting edge camera trickery and simplicity of overthrowing an alien spacecraft, is enough to see you through all of it's 75 minutes.