#11. Cosmos: War of the Planets - 1977

Skin-tight spacesuits and a robot that could destroy the Earth with it's power/s!


Captain Hamilton. Maverick space pilot. Shirker of authority, and plays by his own rules. Why? This is why.

Mankind's big decisions have been turned over to the world's brainiest computer - WIZ. Hamilton thinks that's insane, and goes about doing the exact opposite of what WIZ suggests is the right course of action.

Against their best judgement, the powers that be on Earth, send him to fly beyond the borders of known space to track an alien signal. Initially he's not too happy about it. His crew were hours away from shore leave.

Actually, they got so close to the edge of known space, that they cast shadows on the wall of it during a spacewalk.

Luckily - as with many of these movies - the air on the planet is the same as Earth's, and they set about waving the tail light from an old Mazda around, collecting samples.


One particularly avid crew member, disappears over a rocky outcropping for some rouge exploring. He discovers a glowing ball of energy - the source of the signals and perhaps a larger version of the glow ball from 'Galaxy Invader.' He gets clubbed to the floor by a metallic arm.

While searching for their missing crew-mate, they are set upon by members of the Blue Man Group.


These blue chaps had regressed into a primitive state. In the past, they'd designed and made machines to take care of the day to day running of their city, leaving them free to drink margaritas and lie about in hammocks. The problem was, the machines broke down, and the little fellows couldn't get them going again. Only one machine survived and now posed a threat to the locals.

The threat to the natives is a robot that could well be K-9's crazed half brother.

"Affirmative, I will destroy you"

The robot's plan was to lure an intelligent race to the planet and make it replace a circuit board. This circuit board was crucial to getting the planet going again, as it was limiting the robot's memory banks - this was of course, a great big fib. Suspicious, Hamilton replaces the missing part.

Oh oh, the robot is now at full strength and wants to destroy Earth!

As clever as it is, the robot's main design flaw was a self-destruct button located on the front of his metallic body. In a 'David and Goliath' stroke of genius, Hamilton sling-shots a rock onto the button while the robot is laughing maniacally, thus ending it's grip on robo-life. It also sparks the destruction of the planet at the same time.

Now as strange as this film is, it had a very cool twist at the end. While unveiling it's plans to Hamilton regarding world domination, the robot would use the term 'Earthlings' a lot in a very condescending way. Once the crew escapes from the planet and all is well, Hamilton asks WIZ to give them an estimate of flight time before reaching home. WIZ replies with:

"Estimated time of touchdown, 30 hours...... Earthling."

Woah there! The evil robot zapped himself into the ship's computer seconds before the end of the film! Talk about a cliff-hanger! Did someone say, sequel?

No.

Also, one of the crew - the one that got clubbed earlier - gets possessed once he's back on the ship and goes on a killing rampage. The blue alien they brought back to the ship with them, sacrifices himself for the good of the crew, and they both get sucked out of an airlock.

Gadgetry: WIZ. The man-made computer that the human race was all to happy to put it's decision making faith into. Not to be confused with the retro arcade emulator with the same name. I've got one, it's cool.

Additionally, and much like how Stallone gets it on with Sandra Bullock in 'Demolition Man', there is a machine called the 'Cosmiclove'. A non-evasive erotic mind melder. Where's the fun in that?

Favorite quote: The re-voiced gasp of shock the guy has discovering the alien energy source.

Favorite bit: The special effects, the re-voicing and the robot menace. Also, the twist at the end.

Bottom line: Weird and slightly confusing. The movie carries a message about our growing reliance on computers and how we should trust ourselves. The paranoia of the media, regardless of the facts, was also quite well put across.

Bizarre soundtrack to. Especially the three second blast of the one about being out in space. Weird.

Oh yeah, here's the semi-transparent spacesuits the women crew members wore:


One thing I forgot to mention. The coolest name in the credits: Max Bonus.

#10. UFO: Target Earth - 1974

Do I have to do this one?

Beginning as a documentary covering UFO sightings by locals talking about getting probed, the opening credits roll with some accompanying folk music, and a collection of famous UFO photographs.


Alan Grimes. Communications student and frequently troubled by childhood memories of alien encounters. While making a phone call, he amazingly taps into a government call. General Gallagher was talking to someone about tracking some lights that were seen in the area recently. It becomes his mission to discover whats going on - similar to me discovering what's going on in the movie.

"E.T. man-handled me"

He meets Dr. Whitham, who looked remarkably like Ronnie Barker and.... you know what? Can I just say that this movie is more of a sequence of random events with a very loosely woven story line. There's so much drivel coming out of Alan's mouth and random scene cuts, that it's almost impossible to track the sequence of events. The script is woeful and, hey check out the boom mic in this shot:


It moves around and everything. There is a few shots of people talking with their backs to camera to.

To give you the briefest of outlines, this is what happens: Grimes hears talk of UFOs. Grimes meets girl who is somehow tuned in to the aliens. Grimes meets Ronnie Barker, the scientist who adds nothing to the movie. They both meet a crazy old lady who talks of a flying saucer landing in the lake when she was a child. They go camping with some other scientists. They detect alien signals:


Then, it turns out that Alan Grimes is actually needed by the aliens as a power source. He gets hypnotized by the alien's signal on the screen and walks towards the shore, aging as he goes. This is all happening while the alien voice over is crapping on about rubbish. He walks into the water. The other scientist guy swims after him only to discover that Grimes aged so much, he turned into a skeleton:


Then we are treated to a few minutes of psychedelia and an alien voice-over explaining that they'd waited for a thousand years for Alan, before the movie ends to the music from 'The Onedin Line.'

Thank god that's over. UFO: Target Earth - Done.

Gadgetry: You thought I was going to say "UFO" right? Sorry.

Favorite quote: I'd like to change this category to, 'Worst line/s'. Here it is.

Ronnie Barker: "Curiously, what the hell do we know about electricity?"
Alan: "We know it's a power source."
Ronnie Barker: "So is imagination..."

Others include:

"When did you discover your awareness?" - A. Grimes

"Possibilities... is anything possible? Our minds conjure up such fantasies. Can they become reality?" - A. Grimes

"It's almost here... with us..." Ten second pause. "Dreams." - Grimes again on discovering the UFOs are real.

Favorite bit: Absolutely none at all. Maybe a few songs in the sound track, although they do tend to play them at full volume over the dialog at times.

Bottom line: Unbelievably poor. Grimes' introspective rhetorical clap-trap is unbearable, as is the film's confusing direction and bizarre script.

Some films are so bad that they're just plain hilarious. This one makes you angry.

#9. Horrors of Spider Island - 1962

Ok, now a film about skinny dipping dancers trapped on an island. Spider Island, and the horrors therein. Woo hoo!


Getting a job as a dancer for a show in Singapore was really easy in 1962. All you had to do was tell them you could dance, take your dress off, and/or show your legs. Either one of these was criteria enough to get you into the troupe.


The girls now selected, they and Gary the manager, fly to Singapore. With a storm brewing, things may get dicey, but all seems fine for now. Or does it?

A mayday call comes in reporting that the plane was losing altitude somewhere over... damn it.... the operator didn't catch the location.


After four days, search parties had turned up empty handed. They clearly didn't see the girls on a life raft with Gary. Now castaways and water in short supply, things looked grim. Hang on. Land! They paddle like crazy to get their feet onto dry ground. Struggling to shore, the re-dubbed voice acting made it sound like a bath-time porno.

Realizing that he'd not only struck paradise gold, as far as deserted islands go, Gary was there with eight dancing girls showering together under a waterfall. Things were looking up. Even further up, when they discover a cabin in the woods. Relived that they weren't alone, they march up to the cabin and swing the door open to find...

"Arrrgggh! says I..."

It is revealed in the diary of the professor - the guy in the web - that not only did he frequently hear a hissing sound on the island, but also had a premonition that he'd meet a sticky end. This is a concern to Gary and Georgia. Georgia is Gary's favorite. They decide not to tell the others.

With the professor buried, the girls and Gary move into the cabin. One of the young ladies suggests that it must have been a gigantic spider that spun the web. Oh, how right she was.


Cabin fever. This time in an actual cabin, and the girls start bickering, and are jealous that Georgia is the pampered favorite.

I had the feeling that this film was going to show a bit of leg every now and then. Girls on a hot deserted island in ragged clothes, leaves the chances of coping an eyeful pretty high. That being the case, a predictable bit of undressing happened. I say predictable, because the scene was lead with the line, "I simply can't stand this frightful heat any longer..."

Gary can't believe his luck

With all the girls sleeping on the front porch in their underpants, Gary decides he needs to walk off his hard-on. Tramping through the trees, he is stalked by a big spider, attacked and bitten:


With these results:


How's he going to get laid now? The next morning and Gary missing, the girls launch a search party. They split up and go looking, unaware that Spider-Gary was also looking.... for victims that is! The first was Linda. Left alone at the cabin to relax by a stream, she gets throttled.


Concerned about their safety, two of the girls start panicking and fighting - on a bed with their dresses hiked up - like the women's round of the WWF. So far, they'd been there for 28 days and things weren't looking good in a, 'Lord of the Flies' kind of way.

The next day, we find two men parking up a small powered boat on the shore of the island. They are there to report to the professor and are complaining about the lack of chicks and whiskey on the journey. Well, are they in for a piece of luck.

While Joe is off looking for the professor, the other - Bob - hears the chirpy giggling of women. He discovers them bathing in the sea in all their nakedness. Separating Gladys from the bathers - unknown and to the distress of the others - he manages a snog.

Meanwhile...

Still searching for Gary, and worried about Gladys' disappearance, the girls find Joe and hold him at gun point. Suspecting him as the killer, all is forgiven when Bob and Gladys return, and they are once again all together.

That evening, unconcerned by Gary's disappearance, and the mysterious death of Professor Green and Linda, the troupe decide to make skimpy island costumes for the benefit of the lads that have just arrived.


It's party time on the island with dancing and drinking. Bobby, like a kid in a candy store, can't decide which girl to go after, so he tries it on with all of them - much to the displeasure of Gladys who, after a few days has decided she loves him. Joe meanwhile, is making his own moves on Ann, a blondie from Minnesota.

So far, the horrors have been minimal haven't they? All sounds like good fun to me, and fuck knows where Spider-Gary is.

Joe decides that Bobby, the ladies man, should keep his smart comments about Ann to himself. They decide to have a drunken punch-up in the cabin.


Ah, it was all for fun. Joe and Bobby have a bit of a laugh at their predicament. Outside, the battle for who gets Bobby is finally resolved by the girls. Gladys is the winner!

Out on the beach, Bobby awaits his next encounter with Gladys.

She makes her way down to the shore to discover Bobby slumped against a tree. Dead. Spider-Gary has returned and chases Gladys over a cliff edge to her own death.

If there's one thing Spider-Gary doesn't like, it's fire.

"Ewwwwww....."

Now hunted, he speeds of into the night and is chased into quicksand. That's the end of Spider-Gary and the movie.


Originally called, "It's Hot in Paradise", the film was rated as strictly adult. Three years later and with the nude scenes removed, it was renamed, "Horrors of Spider Island." You can see how that could work.

Gadgetry: Hmmm, none.

Favorite quote: Again, it's multiple choice.

"A dead man... in a huge web!" On discovering the Prof in the web.

"Why, he's a big uranium research man!", the girls discovering who the guy in the web was.

Or Babs - the sluttiest of the lot - who says to Bobby during the dance, "Hello Daddy-O. How about throwing those lamps on somebody else for a change?"

I think that's the winner... Daddy-O.

Favorite bit: The stifled voice acting and flimsy excuses for the girls to strip off.

Bottom line: More shower, nude swimming, bra and pants scenes than actual horrors... but that's cool.

#8. Unknown World - 1951

I love the smell of propaganda in the morning!

Convinced that civilization was soon to be exterminated by nuclear destruction - as was the rage in the 1950's seemingly - Dr. Jeremiah Morley presents the pros and cons of the 'Atomic Age', in the form of an eight minute news reel.


In case society was to be blown away by advances in atomic energy, his solution was to start a community beneath the Earth's surface; a geological shelter if you will. With support by just about everyone in the world, the "Society to Save Civilization" was established.

The society, lead by Dr. Morely, consists of a group of expert scientists, hand picked and trained for this epic undertaking. They are, from left to right: Dr. Morley, Dr. George Coleman, Joan Lindsey the medical doctor, Andrew Ostergaard - a WW2 marine veteran and explosives expert - then Dr. Max A. Bauer from Germany and finally Dr James Paxton.


In an attempt to get the proper funding for the trip to the core, the Doctor presents his research and plans to the board. When asked how he plans to traverse through the Earth, Dr. Morley plays his winning hand. The Cyclotram. A very cool looking drilling machine complete with crew quarters, but little else.


Unfortunately, the Cyclotram wasn't cool enough to convince the board. The cost was considered far too great, and "The Society to Save Civilization" project is shelved indefinitely. Or so we think...

With the premise of the movie established, we cut to 'now', and into a screening room where the Doctor and his team have just watched the same reel that you have. Clever eh?

Mr Thompson - the reporter that compiled the news reel, and not well liked - offers to fund the project on the condition that he goes on the journey, "just for kicks." With the project able to get back on track, Morely agrees to the added guest, and work continues on the Cyclotram's construction.

Now at the island - the home of the fictional Mt. Nelleh - the team prepare themselves and the Cyclotram for burrowing.

The passage of time during the initial decent is done in the form of a narrated journal entry by Joan. Nearly three miles below sea level, it's now early morning in the underground, and time for breakfast.

No, not eggs from very small chickens. It's pancakes and coffee in pill form.

To gauge their progress and safety, an away team is assembled and the tunnel is explored on foot. Reaching the end of the tunnel, they discover a plaque inscribed in 1938 by a previous expedition. The plaque advises that any future explorers turn back while they can.


To continue their expedition, the drilling power of the Cyclotram is required. Choosing the weakest part of the tunnel wall, the Cyclotram carves though to an additional tunnel. Again, they head out on foot for a closer look. The air in the tunnel, thankfully, is "fresh and clear", as described by the doctor, rendering their gas masks useless. With the Cyclotram following along behind, the team continue on foot along the tunnel to find a spot for the Cyclotram to continue safely.

Similar to sardines, eventually cabin fever sets in. The pressures of subterranean travel mounts, and heated words are exchanged. Getting the shits up, Paxton dons his hard-hat and exits the Cyclotram. Coleman follows him to make sure he's ok. While searching for the two men, the toxic gas alarm sounds in the Cyclotram. Realizing that Paxton and Coleman didn't take their gas masks, the crew leave the craft and head along the lethal tunnel.

Dead. Paxton and Coleman were overcome by the gasses and the crew find them a short distance down the passageway.


This wasn't the first piece of rotten luck suffered by the crew. Joan discovers that the Cyclotram's water supply or purifier - the scene cuts before she says what it is - has become contaminated from the toxic air. Turned out that the vent was left open by Mr Thompson. Their task now was to find water. Fast.

With a bit of searching, climbing up and down ravines and general concern for their plight, running water is heard behind a rocky facade. Instead of using the the Cyclotram to punch through, they decide to break though manually with a couple of sledge hammers. After a few casual twats of the hammers, they break through to a pressurized chamber, where a jet of hot steam escapes, filling the tunnel. In a panic, they high-tail it back to the safety of the Cyclotram to wait it out. Due to the atmospheric miracle of condensation, their waterless situation is solved!

Over come by the joy of condensed water, Joan faints and, for the second time in the film, the question of turning back or pushing on is raised. They vote on it this time.

Now nearly 1000 miles beneath the Earth's surface, the Cyclotram - in drill mode - cuts through to an underground lake. They bob up to the surface like a cork to find themselves in an immense cavern. Could this be humanities shelter?

"Nah..."

Once again, the decision to end the expedition comes up again. They decide now that they've come to far to turn back now. The Cyclotram rolls on.

Until...

Reaching a fork in the road, the team decide to explore both tunnels. Thompson is sent down one, Andy down the other.

"Help!", yells Thompson as he slides down a steep embankment. Andy, quick on the scene, ropes down to help him.

Even though Andy thought Thompson was a bit of a money-filled jackass that never pulled his weight, he rescues Thompson. With Thompson safe, he begins to climb back up the ledge, but, oh no! The rope is fraying. With inches to go, the rope breaks and Andy falls to his death.

As a tribute to the expedition and Andy, Thompson states that they have to go on now, regardless of the loss of lives.

At 1640 miles and a few days later, Thompson is still torn about Andy's life saving sacrifice, when things get interesting.

"Whaaaaaa?"

Daylight! 2000 miles down, they discover a vast and vibrant cavern complete with breeze, oceans and deserts. The sun-less cave is found to be lit from the reflections of the phosphorus dome of the cave roof. It has everything to get things going again. Chemical content in the water and soil for crops and industry, even lightning. Yeah, this place has everything. Except...


The rabbits that were brought along for study, were moments from giving birth. The big day arrived and they all gathered around the rabbit hutch. It wasn't to be. All the rabbits were all born dead.

Realizing that sterility was now a reality. Future generations of mankind were out of the question. Which was lucky really, as soon after, a lightning storm starts and the seas begin to rise. This was the last straw for Dr. Morely. He'd discovered his underground haven, only to have it wrecked by nature. Time to leave.

Like a captain going down with his ship, Dr. Morely didn't want to leave. With the others safely on board and away from the rising waters, Morely takes one last look at his paradise crumbling around him. He should not have done that. The underground cavern would now serve as his tomb.

One of the shortcomings of the Cyclotram, is that it can only measure to a depth of 2500 miles. Unhelpful, as the crew now find themselves sinking to to the bottom of the raging underground sea.


With hopes fading, the Cyclotram suddenly gets caught in a thermal current and begins rising. In about one minute, the Cyclotram returns the crew to the Earth's welcome surface. The end. It really does happen that quickly.


Gadgetry: The Cyclotram. The rock-boring piece of kit that gets you into the Earth's nether regions. Perhaps also the breakfast pills.

Favorite quote: "The world has changed since 1938 / The world has changed since yesterday..." On the discovery of the sign posted by the previous expedition.

Favorite bit: The effects. Matte paintings and photographic trickery of the Cyclotram was pretty impressive. Not overdone. Just enough to get the message across.


Bottom line: Pretty cool. Although I thought the Cyclotram was going to be continually drilling, they only use is to break through when the trenches get tight.

Also, I will try to shorten these reviews. They're getting long. Sorry.

#7. Doomsday Machine - 1972

Welcome... to the future: 1975. Spaceships, crash helmets and ham sandwiches.

On a sneaky mission into a Chinese laboratory, photographs are taken of a Doomsday Device, which sends the US authorities into a panic, and the film into a flat spin.

Knowing that the Chinese have the means to disrupt the Earth's tectonic stability, a space mission to Venus is pushed forward. On the launch pad moments after a press conference, rank is pulled, and three of the crew are swapped out for three women scientists. Katie, Marion and Georgianna.


Blast off! The crew go through the motions of dealing with escaping Earth's gravity, in very comfortable massage chairs - like the coin-op ones you see in malls and cinema complexes.


Elements of the mission's schedule are once again bumped forward, and they are set on their trajectory towards Venus. The reason this is all happening, and the last minute crew change, is all unknown to the remaining, original crew.

Now safely underway, the crew get acquainted. Actually, it's more like, they start cracking on to each other. Not wanting to be treated differently, the girls didn't want any special favors or consideration during the two year mission - until two of the guys bust in on them getting into their space-casual clothes.

While discussing the reasoning behind the crew change - the addition of three women - Kirt, one of the crew, makes an off-hand comment regarding what they're supposed to do with three women on board. If your mind went straight to the gutter, your initial instinct was correct.

They determine that with nuclear arms they way they are at the moment, and the possibility of 'Doomsday', there would be no home to come back to. Then a ham sandwich floats to the ceiling in a sudden drop of gravity.

Space ham making a break for it.

The spaceship is now a race-saving ark.

Spending a lot of time in a towel, Katie is the first one to be approached. Kirt has a crack at at her with a degree of success. She falls into his arms - even though he does come across as a bit of a sex pest.

Unable to decide the shape of it's hull, the spaceship pushes on toward Venus ( see below ), and Marion is the next one to be chatted up. By the captain this time. Unfortunately, he was interupted by Katie in her night-dress.

A message from Earth, cut off mid-sentence, unsettles the crew. And rightly so. Looking through the scope back toward Earth, the captain sees images of flooding and destruction of major cities and towns. With some pretty good miniature sets I might add.


The Doomsday Machine had been activated.

Stunned, the crew are now faced with bits of exploded Earth flying towards them. Similarly to review #4, "Menace from Outer Space", the unplanned meteor dodging, lowers the spaceship's fuel tank considerably.

As much as she was into it before, Katie has decided that being, "The mother of a nation" isn't all it's cracked up to be. The captain announces that along with the fuel shortage, their job now seemed to be that of pro-creation.

However...

Just when the crew think things couldn't get any worse, they discover that the radiation levels from Earth's demise, over time, will render them all sterile. So much for rebooting the human race.

To ease the fuel crisis, the Doctor decides that culling both weight and people from the ship will get them safely to Venus. Just who was going to get the chop was left to a computer to decide. Three in total. With the results in, not everyone is happy, and Kirt decides that it's up to him to make the rules. The rules being that he and Katie should be the sole survivors.

The price for being a sex pest is being sucked out of an airlock. In an attempt to flee from Kirt's advances, Katie seeks shelter in said airlock. She paid for that idea along with Kirt. It also took care of the excess people problem. Only two more to loose and all would be well.

With the list of survivors known, the captain decides that the idea was crazy. "All or none" is basically the new law. He want's everyone to make it to Venus, and they'd do what ever they could to make it happen. In preparing the ship, they realize that they can't separate themselves from one of the fuel stages. It'll have to be manually released from outside.

Knowing that it would be to his death, Danny suits up. With a knowing nod between him and the captain, he exits the ship. Georgianna, knowing that only three can ultimately make it, she also suits up to help Danny out on the hull - he's having trouble detaching the two halves of the ship.

Sacrifice. Very noble.

Now free and jetting away, the remaining crew briefly mourn the loss. Back on the other hull, the two make light chit-chat to fill in time before their deaths. Mid-sentence, Danny spots a man-made capsule floating nearby. They head off to investigate.

The capsule was indeed man-made and still had power. Inside, they discover the freeze-dried pilot. Then nothing happens for a few minutes. Seriously, nothing happens. You are watching two people in spacesuits, in the dark, not talking and pretending to jump-start a command module.

With the power back on and communication re-established with the others, they, I think, plan a rendezvous. Things get confusing - more so - from here on.

With less than five minutes to go, I began to wonder how they we going to wrap the movie up, as the crew seemed to be in deep shit.

The answer came in the form of a voice over from Venus. Of course. The mysterious voice over the intercom tells "the last of man" that they shouldn't have trespassed on their patch of space. Basically Venus is off limits, and he tells them to jog on. He goes on to say that their journey has just begun, and more awaits them beyond the rim of the universe. Cross your fingers for a sequel - but don't hold your breath!

As a video release, the film goes by "Escape from Planet Earth", which is much more fitting - as it was in the case of review #3, "The Atomic Brain". Yes there is a doomsday machine, but it's more about getting the hell outta there before it goes off... which it did.

I've drawn a graph, showing the progression of how good this movie is against the running time:


The production of the film happened in two stages. From what I could find out, the principle photography was completed in the late 1960's and then shelved. It was picked up again in the early 70's and filled out to it's current form. Why, during the second round, they changed the look of the craft is baffling: as is the whole film. The original one would have been easier to recreate. Starts out strong but fails soon after.

Gadgetry: The ship. It's ability to change from a pencil-like craft to a spinning space-station wheel shaped one is amazing. Without a word of a lie, the first one is the one they left Earth in. On the right, is supposedly the same ship...


Favorite quote: "Are they kidding? This is 1975!..." It's the future baby.

Favorite bit: Getting hoovered out of the airlock, and the method of distracting a guard dog: throw a cat over the wall.


Also, before B.J. Hunnitcut joined the MASH 4077th, he was a news reporter.

Bottom line: Huh?

#6. The Galaxy Invader - 1985

As much as I'd like to fill in the "Bottom line" section now, I'll hold off until the end of the review. Now, prepare yourself for invasion!

Witnessing a hand-animated 'meteor' flying about and crashing down in nearby woods, a teenage boy - David Harmon - calls his ex-teacher, as he knows that Dr. William Tracy is into the UFO thing. Tracy instructs Dave to wait for him on the side of the road - for 6 hours while he travels there. Hope he packed a sandwich.


Wouldn't you know it, the meteor was a crashing spaceship; from another galaxy no doubt.

From the point of view of the ship's occupant, the pilot staggers through the woods, breathing heavily. We are yet to see this potentially hideous creature.

Finding his way into the basement of a nearby house, the residents are alerted when he kicks over a pile of junk. Concerned, the home owners sneak down the stairs armed with a large kitchen knife. With tension mounting, they head towards a second noise from the other side of the basement. Without warning, they are attacked by last year's Halloween costume.


Using a shovel, the man belts the alien a few times before being clubbed to the floor, and into bloodied unconsciousness. The young woman takes over with a small table lamp she happened upon, and continues the retaliation. She joins the man shortly after in a similar condition. Triumphant, the alien scarpers.

Ah, the Montague family. A wholesome family... or are they? Seated around the kitchen table, in what looks and sounds like it could be a television commercial for breakfast cereal, the father - Joe - discovers something that he's not quite happy about.


For reasons I just can't be bothered going into - basically it's a family feud - Carol storms out of the house. Joe leaves the room briefly, returns with a double-barrel shotgun and goes after her - something he's done three or four times before apparently. Joe is subsequently followed by son, J.J.

The chase is on. Accompanied by an awesome, "being-chased-through-the-woods" soundtrack, Joe fires a warning shot, stating that Carol wont get away. Emerging from some bracken, Joe is stopped in his tracks on sighting the alien. With J.J. now caught up, Joe takes aim and fires at the creature - a great example of, "Shoot first, ask questions later."

Startled by the bullet, the alien retreats into the forest. The shot did however, dislodge a piece of science that the alien had strapped to his harness. Forgetting about Carol, J.J. and Pa Montague's attention turns to the mysterious glowing ball the alien dropped. Figuring it could be worth a lot of money, they return to the house to get a wheel-barrow.

"Deeeer, what is it Pa?"

Dave's wait is finally over, and Dr. Tracy arrives in a very cool car that sounds like a tank parking. After asking David whether he'd talked to anyone else about the meteor, he reveals that it may be more than just another garden variety comet. According to Tracy's sources, the meteor had an unusual mass. With that in mind, they head off into the forest.

Meanwhile at the Montague residence...

Joe calls in Frank. A man clearly punching above his weight, has a dolled up girlfriend and a magical length-changing cigar. Frank is interested in the mystery glow-ball, especially when it's power is demonstrated; it sputters and shoots sparks and makes a, 'wooo, wooo' sound.


Deciding that capturing the green man it belonged to would yield a higher cash prize, he and Joe head off into town to recruit some local heavies for the job. J.J. is left to secure the glow-ball in the garage.

On his way there, J.J. is zapped with a weapon of some sort by the alien. He'd been waiting to get his ball back all afternoon. In the forest, Dr. Tracy and David give up their search for the meteor due to lack of daylight.

In a bar, set firmly in the mid-1980s, Joe and Frank round up a handful of thugs for a night hunt. He hasn't told them what they'd be hunt'n. That was to be revealed at 9pm. Realizing that J.J. had lost the glow-ball to the alien, Joe is pissed and now worried about his financial future.

It's now 9pm, and Joe's front lawn populates with gun-toting hillbillies. Among the mutterings of the crowd, they discover that what they'd be hunting, ain't no human.


Back at the pub, David and the Doc, overhear a drunk-talking Vickie - Frank's girlfriend - spilling the beans about the green spaceman Frank and Joe were hunting. Like Holmes and Watson, they dash off to the location Vickie spoke of.

Spotting the creature in the foggy woods and hollering like a gang on the way to a lynching, the twenty or so men chase and corner the alien. Shots are exchanged; traditional bullets, versus the alien's flare-gun styled rounds.

Bam! One of the guys gets it in the chest. The rest of the group open fire, ignoring Frank's orders of wanting the creature alive. Bam! Another one drops into the cinematic void.

During the shoot-out and killings, Dr. Tracy and David look on from a safe spot behind a bush, marveling at the fact that an alien species has finally arrived on Earth.

Pow! Another one floored by the alien's blaster, followed by two more and then a third.

With the creature distracted, Frank, J.J. and Joe catch the alien in a ropey tangle. The feeble struggling of the alien creature is apparently no match for a band of drunk rednecks with a length of twine.

With the gun fight over, they haul the green spaceman away to Joe's. Doctor Tracy and David follow. Fiddling the lock of the garage, they break in to find the creature lying on the floor, still bound in ropes and his glow-ball missing.

They flee with the alien back into the woods, and Carol restores the gun and ball to the green invader.

With Frank and Joe in pursuit, Frank fires a shot and Dr. Tracy drops to the ground dead. The alien fires back and hits Frank. "Awwww, jeeeeez", he says while dying. Another shot, this time by Joe, hits the alien.

With the glow-ball and ray gun - yay! - back with Joe, David and Carol turn to Michael - Carol's boyfriend - for help. They need to get the alien's equipment back to him, pronto!

Bare with me, it's almost over.

Back at the house, Joe is woken by Vickie, desperately looking for Frank. In his inebriated state, Joe forces himself on Vickie saying that she doesn't need Frank anymore.

Running for her life, Joe unloads an alien round into her back.


While passed out on the couch, the family Montague relieve Joe of the alien weaponry and search for the off-world owner in the woods.

Discovering this, Joe sets out to track down Michael, Carol and David with his shotgun - and the same torn white t-shirt he's had on since the beginning of the film. Cornering them at gun-point, the alien makes a surprise appearance. Joe hastily gives him both barrels and a few rounds from the blaster. With the creature dead, a fist fight starts up between Michael and Joe.

To put an end to the situation, coupled with being feed up with years of abuse, Ma Montague picks up the shotgun, and in slow-motion, clobbers Joe around the head causing him to fall to his death over the nearby cliff.


Don Dohler wrote, directed and produced many films throughout the 1980's and 90's, and again in the early to mid-2000's. The Galaxy Invader is known as one of the more "goofy" of the lot, but he scores highly for D.I.Y. and the passion for film making. Well done Don.

The oddest entry in the IMDB cast list, is that of Glenn Barnes. He not only played the alien, but also the, "Couple at bar." Clever chap.

Gadgetry: The glow-ball and the zappy flare-gun. The ball powers the gun.

Favorite quote: Hmmm, favorite quote.... A few times now, I've had options. There's always more than one and it gets hard to choose - just look at the review for "Menace from Outer Space."

For this feature, I'll go with, "I'm as nervous as a hog on a grill", spoken by Joe they day after capturing the alien. Or maybe, "Where's the gun from the spaceman!" shouted drunkenly by Joe.

Favorite bit: The slow-motion revenge of Ma Montgomery.

Bottom line: Terrible!