"Aaaarrgghhh, me arm's off!"The arm pictured above was sawn from a cadaver by a unknown perpetrator during the opening sequence and mailed to Jeff, a beardy fellow, and one of the main characters in the movie.
Much to Jeff's distress, his first reaction was to call his mate, a doctor of some type. In the Doc's office, they know what the significance of the delivered arm meant. It meant engaging the flashback machine to five years previous.
...wibbleywibbleywibbleywibbleywibbley...Meet a group of friends on a mountain side. All professionals in their field of research, and are keen to get down an old mine shaft to gather samples of rock.
The guy in the spectacles on the left not Mr Potato Head, but a radio DJ and probably mis-interpreted, "samples of rock," thinking he'd be uncovering an unheard Whitesnake demo. Prrrt... anyway.
In the mine now, and we're ready to get geological.
Bam! One of the party plunges his hammer into the rocky wall below some old wooden beams causing a cave in. Trapped. Trapped in a mine in the 1970s.
Knowing that the outside world wasn't expecting them back for two weeks, and the cave in happened in the first two minutes of arriving, things didn't look that great.
Jokingly, Jeff tells the story of how some men stayed alive for 60 days lost at sea by eating the weakest of the group. Over two weeks later, that joke congealed into a game of, "Shortest Straw." The loser -Ted - was to be munched down like a scotch egg so the others could survive... well his arm anyway.
"Give us it!"With the arm off and the commotion of struggling dying down, the sounds of rescue could be heard chiseling it's way through. Three minutes too late for Ted and his arm, but it did avoid the onset of cannibalism and any plans Ted had of playing the violin.
Ted's last words before being carted off in an ambulance with his wife and kids suggested that he'd never forget what they did to him. Of course the other chap's story was that Ted's arm had been crushed during the cave in and needed to be amputated.
"Fuck you guys..."Back to the present day now.
At the Doctor's house is assembled the arm-chopping party to discuss the implications of current events. Going to the police is out of the question, as it's been far too long to let the lie out now. It would also impact the well-to-do lives of the group - Bill, a building contractor, Mark, a recently promoted police detective, Jeff, a writer for the telly, Herman the DJ and of course the Doc himself. They are all beginning to regret the excursion five years ago.
Outside, a figure with a severed limb checks the door handles with his un-severed limb...
Heading up the stairs after the group disbands, the Doc hears a sinister chuckle. From the darkness, the figure, presumably Ted, leaps and attacks the Doctor with a hatchet, removing his arm and fleeing into the night.
"He's comin' right at us!"With the Doc in the hospital, it's clear that things are about to get dicey. Fearing for their arms, they decide to enlist the help of Ted's daughter, Teddy. They need to find and stop Ted, especially since Jeff just got a visit, a headache and a warning while showering.
Although she remembers Mark and Jeff, she's not all that keen to help them find her Father. Of couse the conflicting stories - one of which is bullshit - about what happened in the mine five years ago doesn't help the situation. She agrees to meet them at a hotel bar where she tells the guys of Ted hospitalisation, recovery and varying mental state.
Later that evening...
Mark is attacked outside of Jeff's house but manages to fend Ted off. It's time to get a proper plan together to flush old arm-chopp'n Ted out. With bait. The daughter, Teddy.
The following day, they ask Teddy if she'll help them.
"You fuck'n what...?"Again, she's not interested. To try and convince her, the boys take her to see the Doc. Still bed-ridden in hospital, seeing the Doc is nothing new to her; she'd gone through it all when her Dad's arm came off. Even so, she agrees to help them.
The plan would be as follows:
1. Pretend Teddy is spending the night at Jeff's house
2. Mark pretends to leave Jeff's but circles back to keep watch
3. Shit goes down and all becomes well
Being the crafty bugger he is, Ted's plan of making Jeff think he was next had worked.
In a radio station across town, Herman is working at being the worst DJ in broadcast history. During his lifeless chatter between songs, he recieves an anonymous call. Soon realising that it was Ted requesting old favorites like, "I'll be seeing you", and then discovering that the calls were coming from inside the radio station, and then discovering that Ted was just on the other side of the studio glass wielding a small axe, he promptly has a heart attack when Ted smashes though the plate glass.
Two down. Three to go.With a media shitstorm in full swing, Jeff and Mark think it's time to visit Bill at the lumber yard. Bill wants to take care of himself with the pea-shooter he now keeps in his jacket.
"Oi'll moiydorise the guy..."Back at Casa-Bill, Bill recieves a phone call regarding a break in at the lumber yard. Upon arrival, he discovers a table saw running at full speed... ooooooh... whats going to happen!
Nothing. At the lumber yard anyway.
Spooked, Bill races back to his apartment in a fit of over-acted panic, and into the garage elevator. Going up...
Level 1... ding... the door opens to an empty corridor...
Level 2... ding... the door opens to a second empty corridor...
Level 3... chop! Ted pounces and relieves Bill of his life.
Ok, no more fucking about this time. Teddy gets word that her Dad wants to meet her at a nearby beach. The perfect opportunity to end this nightmare.
Unsure if Ted will actually show, they prepare themselves anyway. Mark sets himself up on a cliff top, ready to sniper Ted. Down on the beach, Jeff and Teddy await Ted's arrival. While that's happening, the following is what becomes of Mark at the hand of Ted.
"Dum dee dum dee dum..."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh........."
"Oohhhhh, my arm's off also!"With Jeff now the final person before revenge is fullfilled, Teddy is his only hope.
She suggests hiding out in the cabin that her brother has in the mountains - a cabin that Ted was unaware of. Arriving at the cabin and during Jeff's speech of gratitude, the movie's twist kicks in.
Ha! Teddy and her brother are the ones behind the revenge killings!
Since the mine shaft lopping of the arm, Ted has basically been wheelchair bound and mute. Figuring the only way to pull him out of it, was for them to knock off all the people involved with the coverup... so you see Ted was 'armless all along.... prrrtt... moving right along.
As the ring leader and instigator that lead Ted to end up with twice as many gloves as he'll ever need again, they have something special planned for Jeff.
He regains conciousness in an empty cell with two things. The possibility of starving to death or that of surviving. The decision was his to make by the knife left in his cell. An arm for an arm.
Gadgetry: None. Set in the modern day of 1973, the television was probably the winner in this category.
Favorite quote: Nothing memorable at all, but if there was to be a tag line for the film, this would be it...
"If there's anything we can do..." - Jeff
"Can you get his arm back?" - The Doc's wife.
Favorite bit: The cars, the decor and the fashion... and maybe the twist at the end. It was completely unexpected after all.
Bottom line: I'd put this one up there with, "The Galaxy Invader." - Review number 6 - but with a better/actual twist.
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