"They're heeerreeee..." - and they suck!After a few minutes of narration outlining the plot, we discover that mankind is about to be crushed by alien visitors. We also find Max Poindexter and his hottie assistant, Holly - also a bit of a poindexter - discovering a massive blip on the radar.
"Let me lean in for a closer look..." - Holly"I've got such a huge blip right now..." - Max
It's unclear where the narration is coming from or indeed - as you find out as the movie progresses - that it matches to the story by the time you've struggled through to the end.
Across town, and under the supervision of Sherrif Nate Culver, played by Charles Napier, two of the local constabulary are loading a couple of criminals into a transport truck for delivery. Man, are they in for a night they won't forget - especially for one of them because he gets killed... sorry, did I spoil the ending? That's ok, it happens before the ending anyway, and I haven't said who, on the right, it is.
Towers and Doyle: Bad-asses.The aliens fire off a few scout type crafts that sound like FA18 jets, to collect specimens. A cow:
"Moo?"Then this girl's boyfriend. She also gets abducted, but this image is better.
Mmmmm, side-boob With the envasion in full-swing, reporters on the street looking for answers in front of burning cars, and no intervention from the military, things didn't look good for the Earth.
peow, peow....peow...Back on the road now, they get buzzed by a flying saucer, crash the truck and ...
Stop!! Time to press the fast forward button...
As I've introduced most of the main characters, this is basically what happens:
The two policemen, the two prisoners, the Professor and the two girls, take shettler from the alien attack in a cave. Inside the cave - 5 miles down according to the VHS cover - they discover an alien breeding colony complete with pods and the abductees we saw earlier. They're now on the run from the aliens:
"Akkk!"All of them but Carol, Towers and Stacy get killed. Finding a way out, Towers shoots the policeman's gun at some old sticks of dynamite they passed on the way into the cave. The cave entrance explodes. Phew.
Conveniently, Max comes rolling over the hill in his 4x4 truck. They pile in and are again persued by a spaceship:
peow, peow....peow...Finding refuge among some old warehouses, they discover that a piece of alien equipment has found its way along with them. Using this and his laptop, Max uses the alien technology to disrupt the force field surrounding the craft, while Stacy practices the tamborine.
Once the force field is down, Towers pulls a rocket launcher from the back of Max's truck. Hey that's where I keep mine!
...and blasts the flying saucer out of the sky.
The aliens shit themselves, pack up and leave. Thinking that was the end, Towers suggests that they're only scampering off so they can regroup. The coolest thing he says is something along the lines of,
"They'll soon realise that this is as dangerous as we get."
Leaving the door open for a sequel, it looks like they'll be back... hopefully not.
( Insert the sounds of dusting off hands here )
Gadgetry: Well there is spaceships in it. 3D rendered ones with loads of Babylon 5-type lens flares - not that I'm comparing the two shows, it was just around that era of computer generated effects. There's also the alien remote control device which, when used in conjuntion of a nerd's laptop, disables the spacecraft's sheilds. It had a flashy light on it, so it must have been pretty high-tech.
Favorite quote: "Bon appetit, asswipe!" - Paul Towers as he rams a flare into an alien's mouth. There were many other to choose from... believe me.
The only other one worth mentioning was from Towers again with his comment that summed up the whole movie:
"Why do I feel like I'm in a bad episode of the X-Files?"
Favorite bit: Grrrrrr.....
Bottom line: Should have been called, "Alien Faeces."
Pretty bland. One thing I will say is that the pyrotechnic trickery was pretty good.
No comments:
Post a Comment